This is based on "Things my girlfriend and I argued about" by Mil Millington:http://www.mil-millington.com/
So once upon a time, believe it or not ladies and gents, Katie had a boyfriend who was not Gary. I know, I know, shocking. We were definitely two people who should have remained friends as our debates were lots of fun as friends, not so much in a relationship. Well they're still funny I think, but not a relationship that was meant to be that's for sure. Every now and then I find a page I had on my old website of stupid fights we got into, and it makes me laugh my ass off every time I read it. So this would be Gerard and I:
And let the fights begin....(I left this unedited because I couldnt be bothered to put it in present tense haha) I am completely convinced that there is nothing in this world that my boyfriend and I can't get into an epic battle about. Not a day goes by that we don't end up in a tooth and nail type argument, and 99% of the time it's over the most retarded things imaginable. This is fuelled by the fact that not only can my boyfriend get me worked up worse than anyone I have ever known, but he also is a total ass....that little voice that most people have that says "Maybe this isn't funny and I should stop?"....yeah he doesn't have that. Don't get me wrong, I still think he's great...but Jesus he makes my blood boil. So I decided it'd be funny to start posting the fights we have on my website....hey maybe when he sees this it'll give us another dumb argument to have. Keep in mind these are just the bigger fights, I couldn't begin to document every little scrap. 1. The "Kissing My Cousin" Argument. We had only been dating a few weeks when this one happened. First off, for those of you that don't know, my boyfriend (Gerard) is my cousin Ryans's best friend. They have been best friends since they were in elementary school, and I've lived in the same house as Ryan for the past year. Now I was talking to Gerard on the phone, and I happened to be really sick. My cousin Ryan was also sick. Now here is where we see that common sense does not come naturally to Gerard. He makes what he thinks is a "funny" comment, that since both myself and Ryan are both sick, it's because we like to make out all the time. I could sit here and point out all the things that are wrong with that, but I'll assume most of you can understand. Now not only does he make the initial comment, but upon seeing how angry I get as a result of it, he continues to pick on me for it for close to 45 minutes. Lucky for him he was going away for the weekend the next day, because I needed the cool down time.
Ryan, Gerard & I:
2. Superman. We were watching Crossing Jordan on TV. I made the mistake of asking Gerard where else it was that I had seen the actor Jerry O'Connell before. Gerard tries to tell me that he is the guy that played Superman on TV. Now I know the guy that played Superman is Dean Cain, and looks nothing like Jerry O'Connell. Then I remember that I know Jerry O'Connell from Scream 2 and the movie Stand By Me. Gerard however, is still insisting that he played Superman. So in a fit of rage, I go over to the computer and look up both actors, showing Gerard that he is wrong. He still however will not admit it. Every time Jerry O'Connell is in a scene, he makes reference to him being Superman, or doing something Super...making me infuriated. Then, just when I think I couldn't get any madder, he does it. Now this is something right out of my father's books, and my dad is the only person in the world that can get me as worked up as Gerard can....god forbid they ever are in the same room as me because I might just blow up. Anyway, my cousin Ryan comes downstairs, Gerard looks up at him, and with a totally straight face says "Ryan, your cousin keeps insisting that this guy on TV played Superman, will you tell her she's wrong? I keep telling her that was Dean Cain but she won't believe me." My head nearly exploded right then I swear to god...I have not the words.
Jerry O`Connell: 
Dean Cain: 
3. He-man Action Figures. This is also referred to as the "playing wrong" fight. We stumbled across all of Ryan's old toys one night, it was a goldmine. Old He-man, Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters, Transformers, it was great. There was a minor spat on the phone first about this one because Gerard thought I was odd for getting so much enjoyment out of finding these old toys. Apparently I'm "Not 8 years old anymore" and shouldn't be so excited over toys. Me I think anyone who doesn't get excited over He-man toys could not have had a real childhood. But anyway, Gerard comes over the day after we made the find. He takes He-man, and Hordak, the bad guy from She-ra, and starts making them have bum sex. He seems to think this is quite funny, me, I was horrified. I yelled at him for desecrating the toys, and tried to grab them off him to make him stop. He not only failed to see the sacredness that is He-man, but seeing how worked up I was getting at him doing this, refused to stop. He then tried to tell me that he could tell what kind of kid I was, that I was one of those little princesses who would take the toys away from you for not "playing right". The fight continued until I finally pried the toys out of his hands.
He-Man:
Hordak:
4. Tickling.. Now I can't begin to describe how much I HATE to be tickled....so you can probably guess that Gerard of course loves to tickle me. One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was telling Gerard about "Grooby". Grooby was my families way of torturing me when I was a kid. They would draw a little smiley face on their index finger, this was Grooby. Grooby chased after you while making a whistling noise before catching you and "groobying" your neck, or your side, anywhere you can be poked and tickled. To this day all someone needs to do is do a little swoop motion with their finger while whistling and I just go insane. But Grooby wasn't the biggest fight caused over tickling. One day we were down in my basement watching TV. Gerard started picking at me, and ended up pinning me down and tickling me. After a lot of fighting, I managed to break free and run to the other couch. I was all out of breath, so I got up to go get a drink of my pop...all that was left was like a mouthful and a few ice cubes though. So I picked it up, and as I turned to go upstairs, Gerard attacked me and started tickling me again. I warned him three times that if he didn't stop, I was going to pour the drink over his head...he didn't, so I did. He then got me back by grabbing the ice cubes and putting them down my shirt. I sat down and fumed over it for a few minutes before forming a plan. I told him I was going into my room to change into a dry shirt. I went in, grabbed a can of glittery hairspray and went back out and sat next to him. When he least expected it, I whipped it out and went to spray sparkles all over him....however I misaimed and got him right in the mouth with the hairspray. He still hasn't let me live that one down.
Grooby:
5. Donkeys. Gerard has an indescribable hate for two things, donkeys and albinos. Now I won't fight him on the albino thing, but his reasoning for hating donkeys was worth a fight. Someone sent him off on a rant one night about donkeys....he says he hates them because "What the fuck is a donkey anyway?" He tried to say that donkeys were a cross between horses and mules, and there were only male donkeys, they couldn't reproduce. Now being the loving girlfriend that just loves proving him wrong whenever I get the chance, I had to investigate this. I was pretty sure there was something wrong about this, and I was right. See, he was thinking of Mules. A mule is the result of a donkey and a horse having sex, and there are no female mules. Again, he refuses to give me the satisfaction of admitting that I am right, and fights ensue.
An Albino Donkey *gasp*:
6. The Foundation Of Life. This one is a fight that originated between Gerard and Sweaty, which we later picked up. I had to put my foot down and not allow him to fight with me over. It would never end...we would be 102 years old, confined to a bed wearing adult diapers, still fighting, until one of us died...and even then I'm sure our last ounce of strength would go towards croaking out the words "You're wrong". You see, Gerard is in university studying to be an Engineer. Which means he's really good at math, and he really likes math...actually that's an understatement, he is actually passionate about math.. Me, not so. I hate math with a passion, I suck at it, and I see no use for it in school beyond multiplying, dividing, adding and subtracting unless you are going into a career involving it. Now Gerard tries to insist that Math, is the foundation of life. I, beg to differ. In my opinion, you can not make the statement that anything is the foundation of life unless life could not exist without it. We do not NEED math to exist. We need it to evolve our technology, that's about it. If you ask me, you're much more accurate saying that sex is the foundation of life. However Gerard refuses to listen to my side of the argument as much as I refuse to even pretend his end of it makes any sense, so a ban had to be put on it. In fact, I shouldn't even be writing about this fight right now, because it only makes me want to call him up to fight about it some more. 7. Jet Li/Steven Segal.This was a fun one on my part...it's rare that I can turn the tables on Gerard and get him equally as worked up about things as he gets me. He, however, has an unnatural obsession with Steven Segal. He's Gerard's hero. Now the fun started there when one night we were all watching the Man Show, and they were making fun of Steven Segal because he is starting to go bald, but still has the long hair pony tail thing going on. Gerard insisted that Steven Segal was NOT balding in any way shape or form. So I got lots of joy out of insisting that he was. Now the big part of this fight also involves Gerard's friend Matt Janega, aka "Sweaty". Sweaty and Gerard fight about things all the time, in fact, Sweaty and Gerard were the originators of the foundation of life argument. Now Sweaty isn't always the brightest crayon in the box. Actually that`s not fair, Sweaty is actually very smart, it`s when he`s drinking that the stupid comes out. Great guy, but some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth....let's just say that we actually had him convinced one night that Richard Gere's real name is Richard "The Shit" Gere. Now Sweaty has an obsession much like Gerard's, only his is with Jet Li. Get Sweaty started on Jet Li, and you're looking at an hour of "No B'y, you don't even understand, like, Jet Li could kill you in 2 seconds." To which my reply has always been, "Yes, so could I, it's called a gun." Forgive me for not being impressed. Now Gerard and Sweaty have gotten in some major fights over who could win in an actual fight, Jet Li or Steven Segal. So, I was talking to Gerard on the phone, and he was ranting and raving about how excited he was about Steven Segal coming out with a new movie...and before I know it I'm doing my best Sweaty impersonation. "B'y, Jet Li could kill Steven Segal, what are you talking about." Gerard gets in a frenzy, "What the fuck are you talking about, Jet Li couldn't even reach Steven Segal's head, he's like 6'6"." "Yeah, but b'y, that doesn't matter, because Jet Li can FLY, he'd FLY up and kick him in the head and he'd DIE, because he's going BALD." This goes on for about 10 minutes before Gerard puts a ban on the fight because he realizes he is conducting an argument with Sweaty through me. Funny stuff.
Jet Li:
Steven Segal:
8. House Hippos. Did you ever see that commercial on TV with the house hippos? It's for like concerned parents advertising or something like that. Anyway, Gerard got it in his head that he wanted one of these house hippos. Made the comment that he would trade me in for a house hippo any day. That got me worked up, and before I know it we're yelling at eachother because he is repeatedly saying things like "My house hippo doesn't talk to me that way, my house hippo loves me, he never hits me or gets mad at me or says mean things." And I'm nearly beside myself screaming that there are no such thing as house hippos. Remember at the top of this page where I said there is nothing we can't get into a fight over? Case in point...
9. Penelope. He insists on telling everyone that my middle name is Penelope, and calling me Penelope as often as possible because it drives me positively insane. I can't even really explain why this one gets me so angry, my middle name IS Marie, not Penelope, but there's still no reason for me to go as off the wall as I do...just another one of those things that only Gerard could manage to get me mad about. 10. "Loose Lips Sink Ships". We've gotten into many a fight about telling eachother secrets, and then the other one going around and telling other people the story. I think I hold the upper hand here though. I'll use the two biggies as examples. First off, one of his friends who we'll call Bob to avoid further ammo against me over this, recently had sex for the first time. Now the funny part about this is that "Bob's" mother caught him. Gerard and "Bob" came to my house the day after this happening, woke me up out of bed, and told me about what happened. They left shortly after. Now neither one of them told me that this was something that was supposed to be kept a secret. So I told my cousin Jessica and we had a good laugh together over it, and then we decided it'd be funny to tell my aunt Deno about it, so we did. Now Gerard came over again later that day and we told him that we told my aunt. He freaked right out on us for telling her, because "Bob" was mortified about the whole situation, and if "Bob" found out that Deno knew, the shit would hit the fan. Our arguement was that what Bob didn't know couldn't hurt him. We were the only ones that knew that she knew, so if we didn't tell him, no harm would be done, no embarrassment on his part. And that was well and good, because Bob did not find out for a while...until Mr. Gerard decided to tell him that Jessica and I told her. He did this despite my numerous warnings, and even worse, tried to shift the blame on someone else. He called me the day after he told "Bob" and told me that Bob found out, and that he warned me that it'd all come out in the end, and that "Bob" was freaking and saying he could never come over here again. When I asked who told Bob, Gerard said he didn't know, one of the boys had. Now Bob came over later that day, gave me a little hell about being "evil", that was all. I asked Bob how he found this out, and got the "Gerard told me" answer. So he got himself in shit with that one. Now, arguement number two, tables turned. I told Gerard something, again we'll use pretend names. I told him my friend "Sarah's" boyfriend "Dan" had up until he was 18 years old believed that girls peed from their bums. Hilarious I know. Now I warned Gerard not to say a thing to anyone, because all his friends know "Dan", and if anyone said anything to him I would catch hell from "Sarah" for telling Gerard. He swore up and down he wouldn't, and as soon as 2 days later, tells me that he told three of his friends. So I of course was livid. He tried to turn it around on me and say that I did the same thing with "Bob's" little predicament, but I say they are two totally different things because a) I was not told not to say anything, or else I wouldn't have, and b) Deno would have never said a peep to Bob about it, while Gerard's friends inevitably will make fun of Dan, thus getting me in shit. Damn this is a complicated arguement...anyway, moral of the story, I'm always right. 11. The VCR. I wanted to watch the Osbournes on 20/20, he did not. So there was a fight over the remote, since he kept trying to change the channel on me. When I couldn't get it back from him, I went up, turned the VCR around (we use it to change channels because the TV remote doesn`t work), and left it on my channel. He started insisting that he could change the channel still. I told him he couldn't, because the remote signal needed to go to the front of the VCR, which was pointed at an angle that he couldn't reach unless he got up. Mister physics decided to prove me wrong, and after several failed attempts, got up, adjusted the VCR towards the wall, then pointed the VCR remote towards the wall, and it did indeed change the channel. He then started gloating that he proved me wrong, because the signal will refract off of an object into the sensor in the front of the VCR. I pointed out that he proved nothing, because all I said was that the signal needed to go to the front of the VCR, not that the remote needed to be pointed directly at the front of the VCR. Days later, still fighting over whether or not he proved me wrong. 12. Monopoly. So we made the mistake of playing Monopoly together one night. This game is dangerous with the most good willed of competitors. So we were bored, we decided why not break out a game of Monopoly, it'd be fun, right? Wrong. Not long after we started to play, I started to get my ass kicked. Now this isn't because Gerard is BETTER than me, it's because I have the worst luck possible. Every other turn I'm landing in jail, and if I don't go to jail I have to pay Luxery tax out of my ass. Now, Gerard is raking in the money, and decides to build up his properties by adding houses upon houses, and hotels. This sent me into a frenzie. Now guys, you may not understand this one, but I'm sure all the girls will. When you are playing any type of game with your boyfriend, your boyfriend is supposed to go a little easy on you. Not to say he should let you win, but that he shouldn't try to outright slaughter you as he would one of his buddies. Gerard was trying to slaughter me. Now, I may have my oposers for critisizing him for simply "trying to win the game" but everyone knows, no one ever really wins Monopoly. As comedian Dane Cook says, this is everyone in the world, 3 and a half hours into a game of monopoly...."FUCK THIS GAME!!! I quit!". So, since no one was going to come to an actual win, he could have at least played nice. Instead the game ended with me clearing the board off onto the floor and trying to make him eat the dice...that'll learn him for trying to put a hotel on Park Place.
13. Sophia. I have no good explanation for this one. He likes to pretend there's this girl "Sophia". He likes to make up stories about his excursions with "Sophia" to work me up into a jealous rage. Even worse, he has his friends playing along. They like to send him txt messages on his phone when I'm with him from "Sophia" just to get me going...Ha ha ha...sooo not funny.
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