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So Gary never showed up on Thursday with the stuff at Ryan's. After a few WTF? emails from me he finally replied and claims he tried to call Ryan but got no answer. Ryan swears he was home all day on Thursday and was waiting on the call which didn't come. Guess who I believe? I chose Ryan for Gary to drop the stuff off to because if he won't face me I wanted him to have to look someone in my family in the eye after how they all accepted him in and treated him like gold. I figured out of all the people, Ryan would be the most effected by his actions next to me, and he should have to face one of us dammit. I guess I should have gone a little easier than Ryan because I don't think Gary could bring himself to face him either. He knows Ryan is a calm cool and collected type of guy. But I forgot he also knows the story very well of the infamous "I'm fucking your cousin" incident in the early days of when Gerard and I were dating, and the fact that Ryan is fiercely protective of both Jessica and myself especially would not escape him.
Ryan's acceptance of Gary was particularly meaningful to both of us at the time because neither of us knew how Ryan would react. Hell I remember begging my mom for WEEKS to break the news to Deno that Gary was moving in with me in Halifax because I was terrified of Deno's reaction. I should be filling in the gaps better here because not everyone knows the full stories here I guess.
Gerard, if any of you don't know, is one of my cousin Ryan's best friends. Since they were 5 years old, the same group of boys have all been best friends, Ryan, Gerard, Ryan B., Matthew, and Paul. When I moved in with Deno it was very nice to have a constant basement full of cute boys, but those were the core 5 boys. In Sept 2002, I returned to live in Sydney after 3 months of living and touring with Gary in Halifax. It was our second summer together and I had really thought that living together and touring together the way we had would make him decide to stay rather than returning to his girlfriend in Calgary. I was naive, we would be together 3 1/2 years before that would happen, and the timing confirmed something I had long been suspicious of, that Gary wouldn't leave his ex unless he could move right into a life with me. I lived at home and with Deno during the years we were unofficially together, when I finally moved from Sydney and got my own place, it took a mere 3 weeks before Gary announced that he was leaving her to move in with me. Anyway I was heartbroken when this didn't happen at the end of that summer, and heartbroken over a bitter end to what had been the most amazing days, weeks, and months of my life. When I got home I was determined to forget about Gary, determined to find someone else. I knew Gerard was interested in me, so I set my sights on him one night, and we started dating.
Gerard is so much of a brother to Ryan that Ryan actually made a point out of talking to me and asking me to not break Gerard's heart. His only girlfriend before me (he was actually a virgin before me) had cheated on him and really fucked him up. The "fucking your cousin" incident happened after we had only been dating a few weeks. We were at Jeremiah's place for a party, he lived next door to Gerard. I was really sick, so Gerard took me to Jeremiah's sisters bedroom so I could lay down. I was under the covers laying down, he was sitting on top of them, just keeping me company, when Ryan yelled up that he was getting a cab home if I was going with him. Gerard, drunk and severely miscalculating the humor he intended, shouted down, "Hold on! I'm fucking your cousin!" Gerard was still a virgin at the time and hadn't even touched my boob I don't think haha. But Ryan went apeshit. I've never seen Ryan like that before or since, and none of his friends had ever seen him lose his temper either. He flipped out, broke something, and tore off out of the house, walking home. I got a cab back, but he still beat me there....I don't think Gerard came but I don't remember why....I seem to think that at the time I thought it'd have to be the end of us because Ryan would never be ok with us being together the way he reacted. When I got back to Deno's, Billy was unfortunately out of town which is very rare, only Jessica and Deno were there, awakened and scared by Hurricane Ryan. He fucked up the hinges on the screen door he slammed it shut so hard, he knocked a window off of the wall that had broken, and the banister when you walk in the front door at Deno's had been kicked in, it's still loose this day from it. Deno and Jessica were terrified, all we could do was wait and let Ryan calm down, he paced the basement for hours, yelling and cursing and swearing up and down that he would murder Gerard, never speak to him again, etc. I almost called the whole thing off then, not wanting to come between their friendship. Ryan calmed down though, Gerard apologized and Ryan gave us his blessing. We went on with our lives but I'll never forget the fury that came out of Ryan that night, it was hard to believe it was him.
I can't say I know for sure anymore if Gerard and I could have worked as a couple if I had ever given it it's fair shot. I loved Gerard, but Gary still eclipsed everything in my life. When Gerard left to spend a month in Europe sightseeing with his sister, I went to Fort McMurray to work with my Mom to pass the month by. I had a layover in Calgary on my way there, Gary took me to his girlfriends place, and I cheated on Gerard with him. I felt horrible about it, it really did eat me up. But I didn't feel like I could fight my feelings for Gary at the time, and I couldn't. I spent a weekend in Edmonton that Gerard was aware of where the affair continued, all the time swearing my undying loyalty to Gerard. We fought like cats and dogs. My instinct is that we were great as friends, we had so much fun debating with each other, but it made for an explosive relationship, we butted heads a lot. I couldn't stand the way he acted when he drank, which was a lot back then, they all drank a lot then.
The next summer Gary only came east for a few shows. But I was with him when he came home and continued to cheat on Gerard those times. This lead to what was something we all laughed about at the time, and laughed about for years later, I still laugh about it today. But it certainly wasn't my proudest hour and I still carry a lot of guilt for my actions then. I can't seem to remember for sure if the conversation took place on a phone outside the North Sydney forum or if took place while visiting Gary and staying at Steen's place, but in any case I was in a heated argument with Gerard on the phone in front of Steen and Tara, who just about died laughing as I argued with Gerard, and while right in the middle of doing exactly what he was afraid of, I said to him with complete sincerity and incredulity, "I can't believe you don't trust me." Yeah, actually said that. It's no wonder that Tara and Steen had a hard time keeping themselves together at how righteous I was about it. Horrible thing.
Gerard moved to Halifax that fall for university. He was home for Christmas, exactly a week before Christmas this was, 2003. I was working night shifts doing tech support. He picked me up from work at 4am and took me back to Deno's. I went to sleep and awoke to the sound of him hammering on my door. It was so loud I thought he had dropped something. This is all still VERY vivid to me. I walked out of my room, sleepy and confused. Gerard was raging. He had gotten bored and wound up looking through my msn histories with Gary. I still don't know how much he read, but enough to know I had cheated on him. He tried to drag me to the computer and force me to read what he had just read. Terrified by him and what he might have seen I yanked the power chord to the computer out of the wall. He stormed into my room and shattered several group pictures I had framed in there with him and I, and punched a frame photo I had of Gary in a group shot. He was bleeding and yelling and calling me every name in the book, continuing to try to force me to the computer to face what he had found even though I had it turned off. When I resisted too much he threw me on the floor. Jessica was the only one at home, and was in the kitchen upstairs with her hand on the phone trying to figure out if she should call for help as I kept on screaming for Gerard to get his hands off of me, and he was just spouting profanity. He eventually stormed out, running into Deno on his way out, she was just coming in from work and he just walked straight past her still cursing.
Life after that was pretty miserable for me, not that I didn't earn it. All of the boys who had become like brothers to me had stopped speaking to me with the exception of the newest addition, Kent. None of my family could look me in the eye, especially Ryan. I became obsessed with making things right. So much so that I talked Gerard into taking me back and letting me fix things. His condition in agreeing to do this was that I cut every single one of my Gary related friends out of my life, and I did it. For a whole month I didn't talk to any of them, especially Gary. The only person that I managed to stay in touch with was Harold because Gerard didn't know I knew him through Gary. If I paused at all when I talked to him on MSN, I'd have to send him a screenshot of my msn list to prove that I had none of them on it and I was only talking to one of my other friends. He treated me really badly for that month, and I took it because I knew I deserved his anger. It's that time that makes me wonder if we could have worked, because I really did fall out of love with Gary. For the first time my heart was completely in Gerard's hands. Then he told me he was moving to Yellowknife. Finding out about my cheating when he had caused him to flunk out of his first semester at Dalhousie where he was getting his engineering degree. He was going to Yellowknife to work with his uncle until he could reapply for school the following September. We broke up, and as usual I fled west. I lived in Fort McMurray from March until June 2004. The first thing I did when Gerard broke up with me was call Gary. I stayed in touch with Gerard at first, hoping that maybe things could be worked out once he came home that summer. He was unsure, and I couldn't take being caught between them again so I told him if we weren't going to be together I couldn't keep talking to him. The next day he called me and begged for me to take him back, but I told him I refused to get back together with him when his reasons for wanting to do so were only because he didn't want to risk losing me completely. He still checked in with me now and then, and I think he thought that we would get back together once he came to Halifax that August. By July of course Gary had decided to leave Trina finally. I had to tell Gerard, and I tried to tell him in person but he was so busy before he came home. I ended up having to just leave him a msg on msn telling him.
He never really spoke to me again after that. I was at Deno's when he came home, but hid in the bathroom when he came to visit. I ran into him a year later and we all got drunk in the basement like old times, we talked a little but pretty much acted like strangers, it was just small talk really. I'll never forget that trip home though, Mom had been kind of nasty to me. I was home to see her, and because Gary was on tour at the time and I was really lonely in Halifax. The first thing she did when she saw me was tell me how ugly my hair was. I had gained about 20lbs and was starting to feel bad about my appearance and Mom was running around all giddy doing things with Jessica and having fashion shows in each others clothes. I was sitting at the kitchen table feeling really bad about everything really and it was one of those moments that just stands out in your life for some reason. It was a really HEAVY moment. The boys came up the stairs and were heading out to get in a cab to go to the bar. Gerard was the last one out and on his way out the door he caught a look of me over the shoulder. He stopped, looked at me with concern on his face and simply said, "Are you ok?" I told him I was fine, just tired. But that moment broke my heart. His ability to see that I was in pain and to ask me how I was, knowing me better than anyone else in the house did at the time, just killed me. Every time I hear the Conway Twitty song, "Rest Your Love On Me" I think of that moment. This is the song if any of you are actually curious haha:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ikh7vPMOsg0
The last time I saw him Gary and I were living in Moncton and were both home visiting in the summer. That was when Gerard pulled off his magic trick of flawlessly acting like nothing had ever happened, talking to us both at the bar and even shaking Gary's hand. He's been dating the same girl for a few years now, she's got a couple of kids. He turned out to be pretty damned hunky I must say, and I'm sooooo sour I fucked things up with him. Even though it would mean giving up so much of what has shaped my life since then, and the people in my life even, if I could go back in time I would give all those things up in order to have not cheated on him with Gary. Even if I knew we were doomed as a couple anyway, I wish I could take back all the pain I caused for him. But at least I did groom him up nicely so he actually looks like a catch these days, and he became very good in bed thanks to my teaching it to him like a child (I honest to god bought him a book). He was soooo bad I had to do it, I couldn't take having sex with him anymore until he gained skills, and skills I gave him. That girl of his has no idea how lucky she is that I mentored him haha. This is a recent pic of them:
Yeah so anyway after all of that you can see why Ryan's acceptance of Gary was such a big deal, and why I was so scared to tell Deno that we he was moving in with me. I turned out to be scared over nothing, when I told her she was totally cool about it. She said the only problem she ever had with him was that he had a girlfriend, and if he was going to be with me and only me she was happy for us. I think I've also wrote way more than I intended to in order to explain why Gary would have a hard time facing Ryan hahaha, MAN do I get carried away when I start story tellin'.
Anyway moral of the story is don't cheat on people, it's brutal. Also Gary claims he's going to mail me the hard drive with my grandfather's website on it. We'll see if that happens or not since he failed to do it in person I guess. I'd like to know if he actually bailed because he couldn't face Ryan though, but that'll be a question that goes unanswered.
Me with Ryan and Jessica Christmas 2002:
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